Brutally Honest Confessions: Normal Women Getting By… 

Today’s post is the Truth About Pregnancy. 
In my last Truth About post I discussed what conception was like from my perspective and now I will take it to the next stage, pregnancy. 

For many women pregnancy is wonderous, it makes them glow and they love every single second of it. For others like me it is horrendous, with one problem after another from very early on.

I have always been able to tell I am pregnant within the first few weeks, mostly because from around 4 weeks gone I am horrendously ill. I don’t know why they refer to it as morning sickness because it usually occurs morning, noon and night.

With my first born I was so ill I spent most of the first 7 months in and out of hospital on a drip because I couldn’t eat or drink a thing. I remember just sleeping the days away hoping it would end.

Every little smell set me off been violently ill, some smells I still cannot be around or it invokes that nauseous feeling again.

I dreaded following pregnancies for this exact reason. With my 2nd child morning sickness only lasted around 4 months and it was 6 months with my last child, luckily I didn’t need to be hospitalised for it much with the last two.

Even when the sickness starts to wear off things didn’t get much better. Then comes the awful heartburn that just will not let up despite drinking pints of antacid, then there is the spd…Oh spd is great. I mean having your partner having to dress you be cause you’re in agony is so dignified.

You’re massive, can’t see your feet,  wearing a brace to keep your pelvis in place and need to walk with a crutch. Marvellous! 

Don’t get me wrong,  being pregnant is amazing. Afterall you are growing another human, it is bound to effect you in so many ways.

I just wish that people would be more open about the issues thar can come with it. The sickness, the spd, the constant thrush, the piles, having a cold and not been able to even have a lemsip.

Too many times I see pregnancy glossed over, talk of wonderful hair, glowing skin, no weight gain except a tiny perfect bump. The realities for most of us are very different. 

I love my children with all my heart and I have struggled to give them life, not just with the pain of labour but the pain of pregnancy. 

I’ve earned that spot in their home when I’m old and decrepit!

I was the perfect image of a pale skinned, greasy haired, overly massive pregnant woman wearing a brace, crutches and looking stressed 🙂

Thank you for reading another BHC and please get in touch at BH_Confessions@yahoo.com if you’d like to discuss any topics.

Emma x

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How Planning Keeps Me Sane


There are many people who don’t get the whole planner thing and that’s fine. We all don’t have to enjoy the same things as each other.

Many times us little planner addicts come under some ridicule for being open about what we enjoy, which can be unfair especially since we all have hobbies some are more unique than others but at the end of the day of something brings a person joy in today’s world then why not? Who are we to criticise? 

I enjoy and use planners for various reasons. They do help keep me sane. 

I’ve always had a love for Stationery but since I had my 3rd and youngest child (who is now approaching 2yrs old) I never got as involved as I am now.

The primary reason for me to use a planner is to track life and it’s many complexities. Having 3 children,  a partner, a home to manage, working part-time and volunteering can make things quite complicated so this helps simplifiy my routine.

When I first started using a planner I would track my baby’s feeding, illnesses, milestones etc and anything of importance like health visitor visits and such.

Back then I didn’t have a blog or either of my jobs but my memory was always consumed with something and I would sometimes forget things I needed to remember.

Now it still performs the same function as well as tracking all our house expenses, cleaning rota and work commitments. 

I have also now implemented a blog planner to properly plan out my posts, track statistics and everything else blog related.

I like to keep all my planners seperate so things don’t get to entwined, I find it much easier to plan this way.

I suffered quite a lot with PND so a planner helped track my moods so I could refer back to my GP easier as I was going the non-treatement route.

Now thankfully the PND usually is on the downlow and I rarely have any issues. It’s not to say that it has gone because it hasn’t I can feel it still there and on the days when it rears it’s ugly head I can write it down. Frequency of things happening helps me pinpoint events that make me feel vulnerable or stressed so I can learn to adapt and handle them differently. It will also point out of I am having a relapse.

Anyone who has had a child will know that having any sort of control over your day often goes out of the window regardless of the good intentions we have.

That’s what a planner does for me. It gives me a sense of control. While I am aware I cannot control everything it means the little I can have some control over I do. The house is a prime example. I know when certain things need cleaning,  bills are due, landlord inspections, tenancy renewals etc.

I would really love to hear from you about why you use a planner, what does it offer you above anything else and if it makes a difference to your life. Please feel free to comment below:)

Thanks for reading. 

The Stationery Geekette x 

Through The Fog…

This is a different type of post today, one that you’ve never seen from me before. Its a lot less planner and a lot more me.

When I feel pregnant with my youngest I  had expectations of raising a baby, I’d done it twice before.

To start off with the first few weeks were nothing out of the norm but as we headed into the two month post birth period something changed. It was like a darkness creeped in around the edges.

This darkness was out of my direct vision,  it lurked blurry around the sides making it’s presence felt but disguised.

When things first started changing I put it down to certain things going on such as I was tired due to a lack of sleep because the baby had colic, when the colic didn’t go away and after much pleading with the doctors we found out at 4mths that she had a lactose intolerance. I put my negative feelings down to circumstances like this. It wasn’t me that had any sort of issue was it? noooo…it was just the fact that things hadn’t been easy and it was taking it’s toll.

Not long after the lactose diagnosis I went to see the GP. The darkness hadn’t gone, in fact it seemed to be getting darker, less murky and more defined.

The GP informed me that I had good old depression. Well…that’s just great isn’t it. Looks like it was my head over reacting to pretty much life! Just what a control freak like myself wanted to hear. I refused any tablets or help and agreed that I’d go see someone if it got worse. Well…it got worse and I didn’t go back. I’ve been suffering (not so silently)  trying to make it through each hour of each day. I told my partner about a month after I was diagnosed not that it changed anything,  he has no idea how to deal with it, how could he? Even I couldn’t . We have no familial support so I just have had to power through this alone, however I can.

It’s been hard, I’ve hit my breaking point on many many occasions. I’ve wanted to leave and go it alone, I’ve stupidly wished that non of it had happened.
You see no-one tells you about the guilt that comes with depression like this. I’ve never ever once wanted to hurt my baby,  it’s not that sort of depression, I have never neglected or put her in danger. She is my world, I love her with every part of my being.
But in moments of despair have I wondered if life would have been easier if I had her adopted, if I’d never fallen pregnant? Yes, honestly I have. Those thoughts are flash-in-the-pan-gone-within-a-second thoughts.  The guilt you feel though for thinking them doesn’t go so quickly. It lingers and eats up at you, therefore making you feel even more crappy about the situation.  Then…when you think it can’t get worse you start doubting yourself, your parental skills “maybe she’s better off without this sorry sack of shit mother” “maybe I don’t deserve such a beautiful baby after what I said”. It’s a circle of shame that you can’t pull yourself out of. It’s illogical, irrational and damn well unwanted!

People underestimate how mentally challenging a baby is, the focus is always on money,  capabilities and the practical stuff. No-one tells you that the strongest emotionally stable person can become a mess of low self-esteem and confidence who cries at everything. No-one tells you that you can find yourself so frustrated by situations you want to punch your fist through a wall and scream until your throat bleeds and no-one will tell you that you will hate your life.

My baby is now 16mths old and I won’t lie, I still have bad days. Luckily the bad days are less and less but they rear their ugly head and make you feel like they still rule you, they still win and there is nothing you can do about it.

The darkness prays on your vulnerability,  as you get stronger and start to fight it off it will pick at you when you’re at your lowest. When your ill or emotional. It will be there, it will come rushing in and tell you that ‘you are not good enough’.

For every day that goes past I get stronger and stronger. I wish in hindsight now that I’d taken the help offered and eased my suffering instead of wallowing in shame. I sometimes need to remind myself that I am surviving regardless of the darkness, I know it’s there and I’ll take those days on and get through them, for every glimpse of me it gets I get one back and that makes me understand how it works. This way I can learn it’s weakness and drive it out.

Each and everyday I make it…just a little further through the fog.

Emma-Louise x