The sense of grief overwhelms me as I walk down the street that we walked down together. A memory flashes past the corner of my eye. Remembering the details so small, so unimportant now seeming so large, so vital to what was. Donna Lewis is playing our song in the dark recess of my mind, I’m smiling up at your sparkling blue eyes.
The ghost of you plays out in front me, yet if I reach out to touch you you’ll disappear.
I hear myself giggle, full of youth, dreams, love. Love for you, the one who at that time of my life felt eternal.
Guilt ricochet around my heart, the overbearing feeling that I failed you back before I knew I even could. Responsibility for your path in life may well lay at my feet. I know you made your own choices, ultimately it was you that did this but perhaps if I had given you another option, a different choice then you could have become the person who didn’t pick these choices, who didn’t pick death.
I don’t know what happened for us to fade so quickly and why we didn’t try harder for the memory of us but we were young, too young to understand the implications of our decision.
I miss you, I miss the thought of you living life and I wish I had done something, that I had known how this would turn out because now I’m left with these memories that flit about my surroundings and my conscious mind. The warmth in them that turns cool when I remember the loss of you. I’m sorry for never been there, I’m sorry I didn’t know and I’m sorry it took 10 years for me to acknowledge the good in what we had. I’m just sorry.